The Role of Fathers and Mothers in Non-Traditional Family Settings

Note: In Part 1 of this article (Jan-Feb 2013 issue of ABAM), the role of the father as discussed with regard to families in which the father primarily works outside the home and the mother is the primary care giver to the children. In this follow-up, the role of the father in other family setups is discussed.

Dual Income Households

A dual-income is almost a necessity in such an over-priced market as the San Francisco area, so much so that this category almost doesn’t qualify as non-traditional anymore.  In such a challenging environment, steps should be taken to make sure nothing fall through the cracks and to maintain family harmony.

Role assignments:  Parents should have an honest and open discussion about the division of labor in the household, and come to an agreement on what each parent is responsible for.   For dual-income families in particular, every effort should be made to split the childcare, household and remediation duties equally once the parents are home from work.  Keep in mind that this division cannot always be 50-50, that the demands of the job will require adjustments from time to time, so be sure to communicate often and accommodate each other as needed.

Scheduling:  Miscommunications and unanticipated scheduling conflicts can result in missed appointments, loss of therapy time, loss of quality time as well as ignored and resentful NT siblings and spouses.  Dad’s can take the initiative to create a daily schedule or calendar that includes each parent’s professional and personal commitments as well as the child’s therapy-related appointments.   Many families that I work with swear by their online calendars like Outlook or Google Calendar.  These tools allow each family member to manage their own individualized schedules that can then be shared with other family members.   Most smart phones can now sync with these tools so the family schedule can be kept up to the minute.

Communication: Parents should make an appointment (yes, put it in your calendar) to meet with their spouse for fifteen minutes every night after the kids are down  to synchronize their efforts and learn what is going on in each other’s lives.   The meeting should include a discussion on what has been happening in with the child’s therapies and should include any successes from the day, interactions with professionals and any new tips that were learned in relating to the child that the spouses might want to try.

Flexibility:   Both parents should approach their employers about flex time scheduling.  These days many employers are open to the idea of having an employee work extra hours on some days, and allowing them to leave work early on others.  This will free one or both parents up at various times to help out with appointments, therapies, driving, along with the regular student activities.

Father-led Households

One of the unexpected side effects of the nation’s recent economic downturn is the increase in father- led households, as employers are laying off a larger percentage of male workers over their traditionally underpaid female colleagues.  Many of the issues that I see in these families mirror those of mother-led households, however there are a couple of issues that are unique to this family structure and that both parents should be aware of.

Show some understanding:  Dads need to keep in mind that while their wives may be fully happy being the primary breadwinner for the family, they may still harbor some resentful feelings towards the current arrangement.   Working moms often feel a great deal of guilt about not spending more time with their child, and they might even be coping with feelings of jealousy that their spouse is more successful in his new role than she might have expected.  Dads should make an effort to keep mom in the loop on whatever is going on in their child’s life, and allow her to be a part of the process of the child’s remediation.  He might update her– Facebook, texts, emails, or even a Skype call – to let her know about the child’s accomplishments, challenges and successes during the course of the work day.

Carry your weight:  Staying at home with the child all day is a demanding proposition, but it doesn’t give dads a free pass to dodge their share of the household duties. Dads should do their best to keep on the household tasks, and resist the urge to pass on to mom as soon as she gets home. The reduced marital stress will be worth the effort.  Depending on the child, dad might even be able to incorporate them into the daily chores, making it a therapeutic tool for the child and teaching them valuable life skills that they will need to live as independent adults.

Stay engaged:  Stay-at-home dads are having a surprising degree success in their new roles, and finding the job to be truly satisfying.  But dad should keep in mind that raising a child is a temporary job, and at some point they will need to re-enter the work force.  Strategic fathers make a concerted effort to stay engaged in their given industry by keeping in contact with peers, staying involved in career-related associations and continually maintaining their professional network.

Single-Parent Households

Recent studies show the rate of divorce among parents of children with ASD at about 24%, compared to a 13% divorce rate among families with neuro-typical children.   Children with autism in particular, need structure and routines in their lives order to maintain a sense of normalcy, so single parents need to put aside any personal issues and coordinate with their ex-partners to ensure a fluid transition for the child.

Collaboration:   Inevitably each parent will have a differing opinion on how their child should be raised, so there needs to be a conversation on what each parent’s values are and what each parent wants for their child.  This ongoing communication should include each parent’s feelings towards particular interventions, treatments, professionals or educational settings.  Both parties need to enter this discussion with an attitude of compromise, listen to the other’s feelings and opinions and show flexibility in coming to a mutually acceptable agreement.

Additionally, the exes should come to a consensus on what will be a fair and equitable distribution of duties.  Both parents should make every effort to live within the same school district as the child, so that both are able to share the logistical burdens of schools, daycare, doctor visits and therapy appointments.

Create a support network:  Single parents shouldn’t be shy about leaning on, and accepting help from others.  Of course the extended family should be the first place they look for help; grandparents, siblings, aunts and uncles all have an emotional connection to the child and so are the most likely to be there when the parent is in need.   Single parents should reach out and connect with other parents of special needs children in your area –single or married – and make it a point to communicate with them frequently.  It’s not always easy to find resources specific to special needs families, so the shared tips on accommodating babysitters, new programs or treatments, etc. can be invaluable.

Get out of the house:  It is very easy for a single special needs parent to get caught up in the day to day rigors of raising an autistic child, and unwittingly become a prisoner in their own home.  A conscious effort should be made to prevent this by taking a break from autism now and then.  Looking up an old friend and getting together for a cup of coffee is a great start, as long as the conversation is devoid of any mention of autism.  Having the grandparents watch the child while the parent treats themselves to a movie from is another good escape.  In order to be an effective guide in the ASD child’s life, the single parent needs to maintain a healthy frame of mind, so moms and dads need remember to take care of themselves as well.

Summary:

Regardless of the setup, every family needs to sit down, discuss, and devise a system  hat works for all family members, and one that provides an environment for the special child to thrive in.  Whatever the makeup of a family, nontraditional or otherwise, parents need to remember that there is truly no such thing as a ‘typical’ family, and strive to accept and celebrate their family’s own individuality and character. After all, as one of our clients put it, ‘Normal is over-rated!’