Redefining the Father’s Role: Part 1

Redefining the Father’s Role: Part 1

Note: In writing on this topic, many different family situations come to mind. There are families with both parents working full time, families lead by single parents, and those with the mother as the primary breadwinner while the father is the primary care giver. This article focuses on families with a traditional setup – the father works full time outside the home, and the mother is the primary care giver for the children. In Part 2 of this article, the other 3 family situations will be discussed.

I am frequently approached by mothers asking me for advice on how to get their husbands more involved in their ASD child’s intervention. One thing I can attest to about the many fathers that I’ve worked with is that in most cases dads are actually quite eager to be a larger factor in their child’s development; however they are often unsure of exactly what role they should play.   The time restrictions and demands of work usually leave little time for interaction with their children and they usually get only weekends and evenings – the ‘leftover’ time. Less exposure and interaction with their team of professionals leave many dads feeling incompetent and left out of the loop. I don’t have one generic solution that will work for every family, but I did want to talk about just a few ways in which fathers can make a larger contribution to the family remediation program.

Complementary Roles

One mistake I often see working fathers make is to try to match the mother’s role stride for stride; attempting to fit a week’s worth of quality time with their child into just a few hours on the weekend.  While I applaud these fathers’ intentions and strongly encourage dads to take full advantage of the time they do have with their children, the hard fact is that there are truly are not enough hours in the day for dads to meet both their work obligations and keep pace with mom’s time with the child.  Rather than engage in such a frustrating pursuit, I typically counsel dads to instead look for ways to complement the mother’s role, providing critical back up and behind the scenes support that is essential to the program but may not always get done due to moms work overload.

Admin Role

While it’s not very romantic, the administrative duties associated with the care of a special needs child are considerable and taking some of that load off of mom’s shoulders in this area will free up her time for more productive, therapeutic time with the child.  For working dads with inflexible time constraints, this is an area in which they can contribute during off hours when the child has already gone to bed or when he is on the road.  Data collection, materials prep, progress reports, IEP planning, binder management and upkeep, lesson plan preparations, funding & insurance reimbursements are all critical parts of your child’s remediation program.

Parents who work outside of the home tend to have more exposure to technology and thus may in a better position to handle the technological components of the family’s remediation program.  A father with even a moderate understanding of computers can provide an invaluable service to the overall success of the program in the form of report composition, online research, inter-family communications, online calendars, purchasing materials, et.al.

Autism Interventions are increasingly utilizing video technology to connect families with professionals and educators, as well as serve as an invaluable learning tool for families.  One father I interviewed told me about how after he put his son to bed, he took it upon himself to review his wife’s video tapes of her daily therapies with their son, and then provide her with his written feedback, observations as well as data recording. If any videos needed to be submitted to the family’s professionals, he would edit, annotate and upload those videos to a site where the professional or other team members could securely view them at a later time. He would then make all of the  camcorder preparations needed for the next day; making sure the tapes and hard disk drives were empty, charging the batteries, and preparing the tripod so that mom would be ready to the next morning.

Coach

One of the most important roles a father can play in the family remediation is that of a personal coach to his partner; someone who can commiserate and inspire his wife when she is feeling discouraged by the day to day ordeals and setbacks.   Being the primary caregiver to a special needs child is a demanding, round-the-clock job and the physical and emotional fatigue that goes with that can be overwhelming.   A husband who is aware of these pitfalls and can pick his spouse up and remind her of the larger picture will be greatly appreciated.

In general, fathers tend to be a little more pragmatic than their children’s mothers and have a little easier time in distancing themselves from the emotional aspects of treating a special needs child and are often better able to focus on the bigger picture.  Someone who can set goals for the family, track the progress of those goals and keep the family on track is an indispensible part of a successful program.

A good coach will also provide a distraction to mom when she needs one.  Autism can quickly become a full-time, all-consuming career for mom if she isn’t careful, so it may be up to dad to help restore some balance to the family.  Dad should show her that it is okay to have a life outside of autism.  Encourage mom to meet regularly with those friends who don’t have an autistic child, or family members she has lost touch with.  Dads can make it a point to schedule some couples time that doesn’t involve the children.  Take her dinner or movie, and vow to not talk about the kids all night. Lean on sitters, friends and grandparents a little more to give both parents some needed break time.

Role Model

Whether he wants to be or not, a father will serve as a role model for his child, and so it is up to each father to decide what kind of model he wants to be.  Will you be a caring, involved dad who takes the time to show your son the ropes?  Will you be the responsible breadwinner who provides for his family’s financial needs?   In any event a father needs to be aware that ASD children – despite appearances – are quite aware and observe quite a bit more than they are typically given credit for.  Whatever person you appear to be their eyes is the person they will use to define what it means to be a man.

Boys in particular need a strong male figure in their lives to emulate and model.  Fathers will be a source of information to their son’s in ways that his mother never can.   Sometimes it is enough to simply BE with your child, not in a therapeutic capacity but to just be a pal or someone to hang out with. Let your child see who you are and how you do things.  And for those of you with daughters, keep in mind that they will eventually seek out men in their adult lives who remind them of you, so be aware.

Conclusion

Despite the stereotypes to the contrary, the vast majority of fathers that I’ve encountered are very eager to step up and become a greater influence on their long term development.   Initiating this process could start with a heart to heart conversation as a couple, and writing down each parents’ strengths, weaknesses, priorities and obstacles, and identifying achievable and manageable goals.